Done. Finito. I don’t know exactly where I went wrong, but I think it would be a good idea for me to take a few steps back and figure it out. Excuse me, because I’m totally thinking out loud here.
The last few weeks have been incredibly tiring and painful. Most mornings, I struggled to wake up and be productive. I looked forward to the darkness that would come at the end of the day. The sight of a new day wasn’t sitting well with me. One by one, it felt as though things were falling apart. The walls felt like they were closing in. At times, breathing became difficult. What was there to look forward to? It seemed as though each day I was presented with a new problem, or worry that I could not fix. All I could do was comfort, share any advice I had, and listen. Then listen some more. Sometimes, I’d get to play the role of scapegoat. You know, the person people like to point out as the reason for their downfalls or shortcomings. It was driving me insane. I felt like I just couldn’t make things right. Everything was all wrong, all the time. Excuse me if it sounds like I’m throwing myself a huge pity party, but if it means that I will finally have something that is only about me for once, I’m rolling,
How do you undo things, you wish you never did? Or cut ties with people you held on to way too tightly? Though full of anger and despair, my heart is still full of love for all of you. I want all of you to win, and be at the top of whatever it is you desire. If you benefited from being around me, I’m glad. Whether it was financially, emotionally, or mentally, I’m happy you had someone there to help you during your darkest hours. My only wish is that I had the same. Over the years, I’ve made plenty of mistakes. But my biggest one would be putting myself last. All this time I spent helping out people in and around my life better themselves, I completely neglected my own well being. I guess I just thought they would hold me down when I needed them most. You know, kinda like what I’ve been doing with them. Boy was I naive.
This blog was intended to help me get familiar with publishing my writing, and getting accustomed to criticism. I wanted to build myself up and develop something I would be proud of. Unfortunately, things have taken a turn for the worse, and the best thing I can do now, is get familiar and accustomed with my own true self. I opened the page earlier wanting to type out a million “fuck yous”, to all of you that have contributed to the pain and hurt I’ve been feeling, but that wouldn’t be right or honest. The wounds only cut deep, because the love once was.
“In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends” – MLK Jr.
Peace & Love to all
Managed By Marwa 